Sometimes I do stupid shit. You can read about my stupid shit doing and maybe skip doing it yourself.
I was walking along the most beautiful river in the world, but I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t remember what I was thinking about, but it had nothing to do with what was around me. After a while I got tired of walking. It was distracting me from my very important thoughts. So I sat down in the mud with my back to what is the river’s cut bank when the water runs higher. I was right on a trail to the water, but I didn’t look to see what kind of animals might use the trail or consider that they would land on my head if they came over the bank.
I sat for a long time and watched the river and my thoughts went all around in circles. Suddenly everything was quiet. I held my breath and looked around. There was a noise on the other side of the river. It sounded like a moose sounds when their antlers hit a tree, but since when does everything go all silent for a moose. Probably there was a bear on the other side of the river, I decided. I’d just sit still and wait to see if it came out of the trees. So I sat and my thoughts wandered back to wherever they were for a while.
Eventually my thoughts came back to me and I realized everything was still quiet. This is a bad time of year for bears, too. Maybe I should go up the bank and back in the woods a little bit so that I could see the bear on the other side of the river without it seeing me. So, without paying any particular attention to what I was doing, I stood up and turned around to climb the bank behind me.
Just as the bear came over it.
I have never been so close to, or afraid of, a bear in my whole life.
It was huge. And it was, you know, standing on a bank directly above me.
It stood up and did some posturing and being big. I stood there and tried to think of what to do besides standing there.
After a while it came down to all fours and ambled away a bit. Then turned and rushed back towards me. I waved my hands above my head and took a few steps back. It stopped and stared at me, like, “what the fuck kind of animal is that?” I clapped my hands very loud and made that sound I can make with my mouth almost like a gun, and it ran away a little bit.
Just a little bit, though, and it followed me almost all the way back to the van, at a distance.
That night I dreamed a bear killed me and a lynx came and sat on me and licked my wounds while an owl sat on top of it who-ing.