The dilemma's of a hobo stripper

(Or, the dilemma’s that arise in WalMart parking lots.)

I’m sleeping in a walmart parking lot and I’m next to this RV that’s here every time I’m here. Like, I think these people have lived at this walmart for years.

Anyways, they’re drunk and fighting (and it’s like 4:30am here) and guy A pushed guy B out the door. Guy B laid there for a minute, took a couple bites of his pita bread (still in hand!), tried to get up but fell over, and is now laying there eating his pita.

Cops are mean and if I call them they’ll be all rude and pushy and ask me a gazillion questions about what I’m doing here and why I’m living in a van and if I have any drugs or guns (trust me, you can not call 911 anonymously up here). And then I’ll have drama with these RV people who I park next to every time I come to town, tho I could park other places.

And I think the guy’ll probably just sleep his drunk off and wake up with some bruises and a hangover. I mean, what if he has warrants or something and I call the cops and instead of getting a night in the drunk tank he has to go to jail? That would totally suck compared to a nap on the concrete.

On the other hand, what if someone doesn’t see him laying there and runs him over? Or what if he has a head injury and dies? And it’s been cold lately and it’s not really healthy for him to be laying there in a puddle (he seems to be asleep now – he’s breathing, I looked).

So, do I call the cops? Or do I crawl back into my bed and ignore their drunken drama?

Bro is now barking at him. He’s like, “mom, that man should not be laying there like that.”

I’m like, “dude, Bro, I know. But sometimes this happens when you live in a van down by the WalMart. That’s why we prefer living in a van down by the river.”


  1. There are ways to call 911 anonymously. First, get a Tracfone cheap at that wal-mart ($9.88?) Second, activate it after reading through Tracfun_Users posts for tips about how to get 320 units instead of 20 units at activation. Third, don’t use that Tracfone for ANYTHING except calling 911. When you’re done with your call to 911, immediately REMOVE THE BATTERY from the phone and travel to a different location. Of course, if sleeping in the Wal-Mart that night is mandatory, that could be a problem.

  2. Yep, sometimes you just have to crawl back in bed. I live next door to a bar…. there’s times that I’m like,”Hmmm….that really doesn’t sound/look so good” but it typically works itself out anyway.

  3. Jack, is that legal advice? LOL

    Thanks for the tip, trac fun. I have a track phone, but hadn’t thought of using it that way. If instead of throwing it away I change the number, would it have the same effect?

    So, in the end it started raining on him and I called my friend who has much less cop fear than me, and she called and said she’d driven by and seen him. Just for good measure, she told them he was probably dead. So I hid in my bed and pulled back the reflectix to peek out and they yelled at him and yelled at him and he wouldn’t wake up so they called for an ambulance, and then they yelled at him some more and he woke up. So they cancelled the ambulance and got him to crawl into their cop car and took him away. Then like forty five minutes later some more people showed up with a couple six packs and a bottle of JD and banged on that RV door, but the peeps wouldn’t wake up and let them in.

  4. Are these people consensual adults?

    If this is a 14-year old kid laying in the parking lot, well then ya, you should call. But if these are grown-ups, then you know, They’re playing their own game and you haven’t been invited to play.

    Maybe it’s different up there, but around here Wal-mart parking lots are pretty big. Lots of room to park next to the RV of your choice, rather than taking the luck of the draw.

  5. Jesus Christ, everyone sounds kinda mean. If it was me I’d walk over and try to wake that fucker up. After assessing the situation closely and all that – I would call 911 if I was worried about his healthy survival. Fuka “worry, worry, worry, phone.” If the guy is dying, help. If he’s fine… problem solved. None of this “watch a dude die because it’s not your problem” nonsense. Please. Can we have legit concerns and not watch people die because of legal standpoints?

  6. Wow, I hope if I’m ever passed out in a puddle in the cold someone nicer than you guys is around.

    Chris, I’ve been hit too many times waking up drunks. I poked him from afar, he didn’t wake up.

  7. My way: having attempted to awaken him safely, I would probably try to put my vehicle where it would block traffic from hitting him. Then I’d meditate, go for a walk or whatever would help me make a sane decision about what to do next. Probably I’d end up doing what you did–keep an eye out until I knew he was safe.

  8. It depends on the town and how visible you are, 5150. If you’re hidden in the back of a van/truck, just slip into a hotel parking lot between cars and no one will suspect you’re in there. If you’re really visable… well, most WalMarts will welcome you anyways. If you wanna pay ten dollars for peace, find a campground where you can truck camp.

    Good luck…

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