I’m really bad at making up my mind. This may be why I live in a van, because I can’t make up my mind to commit to any place or life. I want them all.
Today I woke up and it was raining. I wanted to run on the beach. I did not want to get wet or sit all scrunched up in the van and cook caribou and eggs for breakfast. Caribou and eggs, scrunched up sitting, and my magic 12v frying pan are getting on my nerves. So I didn’t eat, and I didn’t walk. The rain didn’t go away either.
I had to drive up north the next day anyways, because I told a friend of a friend I would come dance with her. So after I did nothing for a while I decided I’d just drive up a day early and it wouldn’t be raining up here and I’d get out of the van and be all un-scrunched up and it would be great. Guess what? It was a long drive and it’s still raining up here. I got out and ran around on the river anyways and got wet. I should have just stayed where I was.
My mom called. Her aid is quitting at work, and they don’t have a replacement. She could use me as a sub for a while. I’m still kind of worried about the lack of paperwork involved in all this. I know they’re supposed to get clearances on me before they let me around kids, dammit. My mom even said I could park in her garage at night where it’s all warm. But I don’t believe in schools. But I would be doing all the fun, one on one stuff, and none of the cat herding or gym teaching that was so scary last time.
Sometimes, well, usually, I feel like life is one of those adventure books for kids, where you read a few pages and then it’s all “Turn to page 23 to fight the princess, or turn to page 97 to marry the dragon.” I hated those books. I always read them through front to back and ignored the instructions. Unfortunately, I can’t do that with life.
Lists, right? You should make lists when you can’t figure out what to do?
I could cook in my mom’s kitchen, standing up and moving around. (this is a major plus at the moment)
I could sleep in her garage and be warm.
I would be doing some fun things with kids that are kind of interesting to me cognitivly.
I would be around kids, which I miss.
I’d get paid for doing this stuff.
I’d be getting up early in the morning, which is much healthier.
I could stand erect all day long and sit straight in chairs.
I’d maybe get a ton of writing done in all those after school hours with nothing to do.
I’d get plenty of alone time cause my mom is an overworked teacher who has to stay till nine every night to get her paperwork done.
I’d be in an area I like a lot without freezing my ass off.
I could play funny word games with her bird.
I don’t believe in school and schools stress me out.
I don’t like my mom’s principal. If he came in a strip club I’d accidently stomp on his balls with my spike heels and then have him thrown out, but in schools this is not an option.
It would suck for Bro (minimally tho).
I have to lie and say I’m not a stripper. I hate lying.
The TV is always on and it makes me dizzy.
It might mess up my financial goal for the next couple months (or it might not).
I like my mom, but I always like people better in the short term.
What to do? Why can’t I make up my mind? Argh!