I’m really bad at making up my mind. This may be why I live in a van, because I can’t make up my mind to commit to any place or life. I want them all.

Today I woke up and it was raining. I wanted to run on the beach. I did not want to get wet or sit all scrunched up in the van and cook caribou and eggs for breakfast. Caribou and eggs, scrunched up sitting, and my magic 12v frying pan are getting on my nerves. So I didn’t eat, and I didn’t walk. The rain didn’t go away either.

I had to drive up north the next day anyways, because I told a friend of a friend I would come dance with her. So after I did nothing for a while I decided I’d just drive up a day early and it wouldn’t be raining up here and I’d get out of the van and be all un-scrunched up and it would be great. Guess what? It was a long drive and it’s still raining up here. I got out and ran around on the river anyways and got wet. I should have just stayed where I was.

My mom called. Her aid is quitting at work, and they don’t have a replacement. She could use me as a sub for a while. I’m still kind of worried about the lack of paperwork involved in all this. I know they’re supposed to get clearances on me before they let me around kids, dammit. My mom even said I could park in her garage at night where it’s all warm. But I don’t believe in schools. But I would be doing all the fun, one on one stuff, and none of the cat herding or gym teaching that was so scary last time.

Sometimes, well, usually, I feel like life is one of those adventure books for kids, where you read a few pages and then it’s all “Turn to page 23 to fight the princess, or turn to page 97 to marry the dragon.” I hated those books. I always read them through front to back and ignored the instructions. Unfortunately, I can’t do that with life.

Lists, right? You should make lists when you can’t figure out what to do?

Good things
I could cook in my mom’s kitchen, standing up and moving around. (this is a major plus at the moment)
I could sleep in her garage and be warm.
I would be doing some fun things with kids that are kind of interesting to me cognitivly.
I would be around kids, which I miss.
I’d get paid for doing this stuff.
I’d be getting up early in the morning, which is much healthier.
I could stand erect all day long and sit straight in chairs.
I’d maybe get a ton of writing done in all those after school hours with nothing to do.
I’d get plenty of alone time cause my mom is an overworked teacher who has to stay till nine every night to get her paperwork done.
I’d be in an area I like a lot without freezing my ass off.
I could play funny word games with her bird.

Bad stuff
I don’t believe in school and schools stress me out.
I don’t like my mom’s principal. If he came in a strip club I’d accidently stomp on his balls with my spike heels and then have him thrown out, but in schools this is not an option.
It would suck for Bro (minimally tho).
I have to lie and say I’m not a stripper. I hate lying.
The TV is always on and it makes me dizzy.
It might mess up my financial goal for the next couple months (or it might not).
I like my mom, but I always like people better in the short term.

What to do? Why can’t I make up my mind? Argh!


  1. What’s the time commitment if you take the job? Weeks or months or days? What are the implications if you take the job and then leave early if you can’t stand it or need to go do something else?

  2. Eh, no commitments. Tho I’d probably commit to a week. I think I’m just not gonna do it.

  3. Based purely on the fact alone that your ‘good stuff’ list is longer than the ‘bad stuff’ one, I’d say give it a shot. Best of luck! 🙂

  4. Sometimes a change of pace/scenery/activity is what we need to get us out of a rut. Sometimes, it becomes another rut. let the changes feed you for a while, and then change again. Sleeping at night would be really good for you too. 😀
    decisions are hard, but MOST of the time you can always change your mind again.

  5. I’m really bad at making up my mind also. It’s so tough to choose one spot to “hang your hat” when we live in a world of endless possibilities. A “mobile lifestyle” is very freeing but can also be depressing, especially when the weather turns foul. I feel your pain. Here in Northern Wisconsin where I live it’s been very cool and rainy the last few weeks making my own van living experience less than fun at times.
    I love it. But it requires more work to do it right than many people realize. Enjoy your blog! I’m craving some fresh Caribou – I’ll have to settle for a venison steak today though.

  6. So, make up your mind now. Then, in a few days, when your mind is in a different “space”, make it up again. Then, a few days later, when you mind is in a different “space”, make it up again. Ad infinitum. Sometimes it’s good to hunker down, dig in, and stay for a while. But, sometimes, that’s the bad option. I wish you the best. D,

  7. Now that I am a comfort hound , I think I would have to take the warm garage and upright cooking ( even if it’s for a little while ) to recharge . Getting rained on out in nature day after day sucks even if it is beautiful.

    I wish my answer was different too , but comfort has been winning out lately.

  8. Eh, I’ve changed my mind fifty times by now. I’ll probably just do whatever I want to do at the time. Routine and a kitchen and sleeping at night would be good for me, but so is just being myself and following life on the open road.

  9. I wish more people who hated the school system were in it when my son was a primary education student….

    just saying…

    a week or two of experiencing you could be just what the kids (especially the ones who risk being openly creative) crave and could use to keep them together one more year….

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