In an alternate reality a friend of mine who’s new to stripping was going to come up here this summer and we were going to write The Cuntlovin’ Grrrls Guide to Stripping for Profit and Pleasure (if you don’t get the cuntlovin’ reference you need to read Cunt, by Inga Muscelli). It was going to be all about auditioning, making money, and negotiating the sometimes volatile waters of America’s strip clubs. Unfortunately our realities didn’t mesh so well and it didn’t happen. Yet the desire to put these things on paper never faded, so I’m going to make a series of Stripping 101 articles which may someday become a chapbook or some other awesome thing.
The first thing you need to understand about stripping is that strip clubs are as varied as restaurants. There’s truck stop diners, and there’s five star Italian places, and there’s everything in between. There are strip clubs with no lap dances, air dances, stage dancing only, lap dancing only, asshole managers, sweet managers, ass grabbin’ DJ’s, sexual harassment policies and professional staff, lap dances on the floor, lap dances in private booths, and masturbation shows behind glass (tho I tend to think that peep shows are not strip clubs, but some people run them together). No one a gazillion miles away on the internet can tell you what to expect at your local clubs, not even me. But I’ll tell you what I can tell you.
You’re probably worried about your body. If you’re like other girls you’re worried that you aren’t skinny enough, your scars or stretchmarks will look bad, etc. Don’t worry. As long as you are (or look) biologically female and healthy, you’re fine. Of course, standards vary geographically too. In the rural midwest you can be thirty pounds overweight and missing half your teeth and people will love to see you naked. At the more upscale clubs in NYC, you better have a low body fat percentage, manicure, pedicure, well styled hair, and good make up. However, even if you are thirty pounds overweight and missing half your teeth you should be able to find a club in NYC that will hire you.
The body basics: Do what you can to be in good shape. Eating disorders are not necessary for strip club success, just try to have some good muscle tone and not too much pudge. Shave your pussy: you can shave it bare, leave a landing strip, make a heart of hair, or whatever. Just make it look well groomed. If this is your first pudenda shaving experience, get in the bathtub with some baby oil and soak for a while, then shave under water with a fresh triple blade razor (I like the Mach3). Shave your armpits and your legs. Do something with your fingernails and toenails – just clear polish is enough for most places. Style your hair attractively. Long straight or wavy hair is most popular, but I’ve seen mohawks in tittie bars before – if you have an unusual look, you just need to know your market. Make up: the club is dark, so you need to do your make up more dramatically than you would in real life – use some contouring blush, cause you’ll have no natural shadows in a dark neon lit strip club. I highly recommend looong fake lashes and lots of lip gloss.
You’ll need a stripper outfit. You can find cheap ones on ebay. Depending on your area you might want to start out with booty shorts and a bikini top, or with a long gown. Ask for regional advice on the forums at http://www.stripperweb.com. Unless you are in a very very rural run down area, you need to get some stripper shoes. It’s (usually) okay to wear some nice 4″ heels your first day to make the money for stripper shoes, but don’t let it go beyond that. It just looks bad. When you get your strippa shoes, just put them on and wear them around your house until your used to them. If they’re slippery, put some non-skid stickies on the bottom of them.
Now you’re ready to find a club. Check out your area on stripclublist.com. What do the customers say about your local clubs (hint: “this clubs great, I got a $5 blow job” = very bad. “This club sucks none of the girls would sit and talk with me for free cause they were too busy doing dances” = very good). Check it out on stripperweb.com, too. What do the other strippers say about it? Make a list of the clubs you want to check out, then call them and ask when the best time to come in and audition is. Also ask if you’ll be able to work the same night you audition (most places will say yes).
When you get to the club remember to be very confident. It’s okay to ask the other girls which outfit you should wear and stuff, but if you get nervous and start crying in the dressing room or need to get drunk to go onstage your first time you aren’t ready to do this and you will probably have a really bad experience. It’s sad but true that people will sense and exploit your weaknesses in this business.
Most clubs these days will not ask you to actually go onstage to audition. They will look at you in your street clothes (wear something nice that shows off your body a little bit), or look at you naked, and tell you if you’re hired. The exceptions, of course, are clubs where they care if you can dance on stage or not. If you have to audition on stage, tell the DJ what kind of music you like (don’t stress about it), and ask if you can watch a few girls before you go up. When you go up just move veeery slooowly. Slow is sexy.
In some clubs stage dancing is just dancing, and at the end of the set you pick up tips that have been left on the stage. At most clubs, you’ll go around the edge of the stage, do a little five second dance for each guy (which can mean that you do a little shimmy and boobie shake or that you get down on the floor and spread your legs for them to check out your tonsils from the wrong side, just depending on where you are). There are clubs where tipping is more interactive – the customers put the dollars in their mouths and expect you to take them with your boobs, and in other areas any contact at all while you’re on stage is illegal. Make sure you know what the rules are before you go up.
Whatever you do up there, if you do it slowly and with confidence, you’ll look great. Remember, when you’re naked, anything you do is perfect. It’s like a sociological law.