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Nothing Funnier Than Real Life

September 24th, 2008 · No Comments

In the dressing room, I’m sitting on the toilet, peeing, and a cokehead woman I’ve worked with off and on all over for a while is doing lines with another stripper.

OG Stripper: Don’t worry about Tara. I know you don’t know her, but she’s cool, she won’t say shit.
Unknown Stripper: I ain’t worried about shit, girl. If she says shit I’ll just kick her fucking ass.
*lots of snorting and sniffing*
US: Wait, are you sure she’s cool?
OGS: Yeah. Tara’s not even like a normal stripper. She’s a lesbian alaska showgirl.

Once, OGS stayed in my bus when she was dopesick and she jumped a fence and rode a horse bareback in the full orange moon light. The next day she got high and raved about feminism and pre-history and oppression until she passed out in the dressing room. So I wrote a poem.

* * * * * *

This customer is smitten with me. I told him about how I had to come all the way up the river and down the road through watery gas and crazy cops to get naked for his dollars. He’s convinced himself that I’m the only “real” women he’s ever met, that kind of thing. All of a sudden he pops out with this gem:

“Hey… I have electricity! You could stay with me!”

Um, no thanks, I tell him. I always stay with my bestest friend when I come to town, and she has a fancy jacuzzi bathtub and I love it there.

After a few dances he has another bright idea:

“Well, if I ever decide to consider dating a woman who does this kind of thing… I mean, you know, a stripper (!), I’ll keep you in mind.”

Um, thanks. I’m gonna go make some money now, bye bye…

* * * * * *

Tags: Stripping

0 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jack // Sep 24, 2008 at 5:37 am

    Funny stuff. Electricity line is the funniest I’ve heard all week.



  • 2 Lizzy // Sep 24, 2008 at 8:52 am

    LOL, I’ve totally been fed variants of that elctricity line, too. 🙄

  • 3 Robin // Sep 24, 2008 at 9:08 am

    sometimes I wonder if people like that are actually real! They are like children in adult bodies 🙄

  • 4 Robin // Sep 24, 2008 at 9:14 am

    Hey, I didn’t see any email address so I’ll just ask you here. I have to write a paper in my gender, sexuality, race and class class and I would like to center my paper around you, hobo stripper, and other women like you, who fit into the “Women who Run With The Wolves” archetype. You alone cover class, sexuality and gender. You live a different paradigm in this uber patriarchy and I find it truly magickal.
    So would it be okay if I write about you and quote some of your writing?

  • 5 300baud // Sep 24, 2008 at 10:56 am

    Being horny makes a person say some pretty stupid things. Not nice to make fun. But fun.

  • 6 Cecelia // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    I love your blog Tara and I love reading stories like this! I wish I would of known about your blog sooner!


  • 7 Sakura // Sep 26, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    Gawd, and I bet he’s the first guy to ever think of that, right?!

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