I’ve gotten a few emails and comments asking how to be a topless house cleaner, how to advertise, how to be safe, etc.
Here’s the thing. You shouldn’t. It’s not safe. I feel relatively safe because I’ve spent the last decade or so stripping and learning to make split second judgements about people. That makes me pretty safe from your average violent person, but not at all safe from the random sociopath that might not trip my alarms. Luckily, less than one percent of the population are sociopaths, and the percent of them that decide to be serial killers and prey on topless house cleaners is probably not huge.
I know some of you have also been strippers for years, or therapists, or have some other background that gives you the same ability to understand people. So I’m going to tell you how I do it, but I am in no way recommending that you do this yourself.
I just put an ad up on craigslist. I use a picture that doesn’t show my face, but shows my boobs and the rest of me in a cute maid-ish outfit. In my ad, I always address the customers as gentlemen, and myself as some pampering for the deserving gentleman. I usually add that yes, I will really clean their house, there is no sex, and they should have their own cleaning supplies. I say there will be one lap dance at the end and invite them to have their favorite song ready, and I post a price. Usually the price is about half of what good escorts are charging in that city, and the same as what the desperate girls are charging on craigslist.
There are a few things I look for, but there is also a lot of intuition. They must be confident on the phone. If they force me to take responsibility for the conversation I don’t want to deal with them. A couple minutes into the conversation, I’ll take control of it. They must be comfortable with this, preferrably they don’t even notice because they are comfortable giving up control to women. I reiterate on the phone that there’s absolutely no sex (“full service”) and tell them that if they have extra money we might be able to do more after the lapdance. As in, more lap dances. If they ask about anything illegal, try to bargain with me, are unclear about what they want, etc., I just hang up on them. There’s no need to explain to them that I don’t think this is going to work or whatever, just hang up. After hanging up I save their number in my phone for DNA, which means Do Not Answer if you’re a sex worker, and Do Not Adopt if you’re a dog rescuer. I make sure they are clear on the amount of money (“donation”), and I chit chat with them about their lives. If they are too casual about letting me know where they work and such, I’ll call and confirm that they do work there (just look up the number, and call like you’ve got life insurance to sell to so-and-so, then hang up before you really get them) – mostly because I think there’s something suspicious about people who aren’t suspicious of a random craigslist topless house cleaner. If they are afraid to tell you those details, it’s good, it means they have a life (job, position in the community, whatever) they want to defend. If they are discrete with the details but can still carry on a good conversation, it’s ideal. I set up a time and get their address, and tell them I’ll call to confirm an hour before.
I call ahead to confirm. If I know a random detail of their lives I’ll mention it again to see if they are consistant.
The best thing to do is have someone with you to wait in the car. They should sit in the drivers seat so that if a bunch of cops show up they can bug out with your car – it’s a lot easier to bail you out than to get your car out of impound, and topless house cleaning is dangerously close to prostitution in most places. When you go in, pause in the door way and see how they are reacting to you. Go in and get them to show you the whole house. Make sure there’s no one else in the house as you’re agreeing on what you can clean in the alotted time.
Your security should call about the time that you’re done checking out the house. Tell them very clearly that everything’s fine and they should call you in an hour (or however long you’re going to be there).
Then get the money, get topless and start cleaning. Usually they want to follow you around and watch and talk. Look cute, and clean.
Okay, so you’ve cleaned the house and you’ve got probably like a hundred bucks. Now it’s time for the lapdance. Hopefully this whole time you’ve been telling them how pure and ladylike you are, and impressed on them that you’re just a stripper and you never do anything other than dance. After the lapdance, just like in a strip club, tell them they want another and get another twenty up front from them. Just hold out your stockings and tell them to put it right there. Sometimes they run out after a couple dances and that’s that. Other times they start begging for more – to be able to jerk off, to touch your boobs, for you to give them a blow job, whatever. Whatever it is, decide if you want to do it, and either leave or tell them how you’re a clean dancer and you could NEVER do something like that until they offer enough money for you to do it.
When your security calls at the end of the hour be very specific with them – “I’m just doing a couple more dances, I’ll be done in two songs.” Or “I’m having a great time, I’ll be another fifteen minutes or so.”
When you’re done, get dressed, give them a hug and thank them, and leave.
That’s all. 😉